I get really into things for a while and then I drop them completely. It’s no wonder I don’t have better relationships with women. When I discovered internet dating in all of its wonder and flippant chaos, I went at that shit like an eight year old with Pokémon, gotta date em all. While it’s a fun way to go broke between every paycheck and see bars in every neighborhood in the city, internet dating still is a haven for the same things the rest of the internet provides a haven to, weird shit you don’t see every day. For instance, once on a date with a wonderful girl, beautiful, smart enough to make me feel inferior, everything was going great. However, the oddity came out in the middle of our first bout of passionate fucking. Let’s just say her chest was drastically lopsided. Now there is nothing wrong with that, I am very well aware that breasts come in all shapes and sizes. I am even aware that many women, if not most women have some discrepancy between the size of their breasts. In fact, if it helps, my left testicle is bigger than my right. That all being said, I was still somewhat thrown off by the inequality of this girl’s bosom, but I am getting off track, this story is about a different girl altogether. My point is, much like this girls boobs, lopsided.
Continue reading “The Internet Date”
The only time I was a designated driver and actually stayed sober.
There was a time, sophomore year of College, when I didn’t drink. It was half a conscious decision, with the other half decided for me by my then girlfriend, Ella. The reason that I did not do much drinking is a story for another time, but my sobriety was the rationale behind the events of a cold November night. It was no later than nine pm when I left Ella’s room to go back to my own, at least in theory. In reality, as I entered my building on the quiet New Hampshire campus I was stopped by a friend, Ben.
Ben was as close to a NH local as you could be while still being a Massachusetts yuppy wasp. I loved the kid, but he was one of the quirkiest people I had ever met. We had become fast friends the year before through our shared predilection towards 4am cigarettes and voluntary all nighters. Whenever he smoked a cigarette he would spit after nearly every drag, many times on himself in fact. New Hampshire mountain wind was not the most forgiving for someone with that habit. He was from a well off family but one of his front teeth was chipped, a remnant of a beer bottle taken forcefully to the face, from another friend of ours. He could have gotten it fixed but he didn’t. Amazingly none of this stopped beautiful girls from dating him with a surprising amount of regularity. Continue reading “The Mazda”
Nothing builds street cred like old ladies.
It was just after midnight. I was having the last cigarette of the night before bed. This entailed sticking my head out of the window. The window of the room I was renting from my aunt and uncle in the west village, New York City. They knew that I did this and were remarkably relaxed about it.
A warm September night, I looked out at the building across the street that I had stared at every few hours for the past year. As I contemplated waking up for a job I couldn’t stand in only six hours, I heard a window slide open. Suddenly and completely without warning, my midnight reprieve was broken, drenched in a wave of ice cold water. It rolled down my head and back leaving me utterly soaked.
“What the fuck?!” I yelled out into the air. Continue reading “The Neighbor”
Stacy’s Mom surfed the internet for high school boys.
It was less than a month after I turned eighteen. I started looking to do something like this when I was somewhere around 16, the Fountains of Wayne song, ‘Stacy’s Mom’ playing in my head. The day I turned eighteen, maybe the day after, I made myself a dating profile on an “adult” dating website advertising casual hook ups.
I put a great deal of thought into the profile. I decided what I was looking for in an older woman, and I took some rather risqué pictures of myself, to put on the site. They are probably still there, props if you can find them. It was quite the endeavor. In fact, I did not even have a debit card at the time to pay for the profile so I actually had to take a trip down to the 7 Eleven in town to buy a prepaid debit card to sign up for the site with. After making the profile I sat down to find what I was in search of. The elusive MILF. Continue reading “The Elusive MILF”